Funky Watutsi

The point of prom is to celebrate the culmination of 13 years of education and the commencement of a new life of adulthood and independence. Regardless of whether you believe in all of that, the party remains. And the way that we party in this country is to get a bunch of people together in a poorly lit room and make them move around to the beat. So, if you don't know how (or think you don't know how) to dance, you will be the lame (wo)man out.

Usually I'm very accepting of everyone, but I'll admit that I have no tolerance for someone who can't dance. I firmly believe that a lack of rhythm is simply laziness. We were all born with the rhythm of our own hearts, the oceanic sway of our mothers' amniotic fluid and the natural flow of the seasons, pull of the tide, etc. etc. etc. If your body can't get on the beat, it's because you have been to lazy to listen for it and let your natural impulses handle the rest. *Note: If you have some sort of inner ear or cerebral issue that affects your movement, I exempt you from my scathing criticism.

Now that you have been thoroughly chastised for not being able to dance, I will provide with the necessary resources to correct your shortcoming. First of all, listen to a song with an obvious danceable beat. If you're listening to Hot Hot Heat or Dead Prez or Tibetan monk chanting, no wonder you can't dance, you big nerd. This is what you should be listening to:

• SexyBack - Justin Timberlake
• SOS - Rhianna
• Hips Don't Lie - Shakira
• Top Back - T.I.
• We Fly High - Jim Jones

I put that last one on there because it just came on my Pandora, but it works, too. Plus, the beat is really slow. It's a good one to get started to. Every one of these songs has a very obvious "hand-clap"-esque beat that you should be able to catch and do a little two-step to.

What's a two-step, you ask? The answer is in the name, my friend. It's a step to the left, a step to the right. It's the easiest thing in the world. Did you hear that hand clap in the song? Good, step to the right on that. Here comes the second hand clap. Go ahead and step to the left. Oh Snap! You're a dancing genius. Okay... honestly, I can't do this without being sarcastic and annoying, so if you really can't dance, check out the following very helpful resources.

www.clubdancelessons.com
WikiHow to Dance
Dance in the Nightclub
How to Dance for Average Guys

**Just remember, if whatever you're trying to do has a name, chances are you're trying too hard.